Confessions of a (Former) Control Freak

So you say you trust God, yet you hold the keys to every area of your life so tight… whew. This is what it sounded like for me to finally say the quiet part out loud.

I’ve spent the last few weeks sitting with God, taking the time to let Him speak and reveal the things in my heart I’ve been so avoidant of—or rather, things I blatantly chose not to address.

I say with my words that I trust Him, yet my heart still holds reservations. And it shows—in the way I hold back in the visions and dreams He has given me, the way I handle my finances, and even in the way I think about myself at times. I finally decided to sit with the question: Why am I withholding from Him?

It was hard to confront how much I love the Lord, yet don’t fully trust Him. But as I sat with Him, He gently began to peel back the layers.

The root issue? I was afraid to not be in control—especially when it came to my finances. But the truth is… I never really had a handle on that anyway. If I could hold onto it, it felt like I had more security in the flesh. But in reality, the flesh offers no security at all.

Being in control made me feel comfortable. It didn’t require me to stretch my faith. It gave the illusion of faith—but it wasn’t faith at all. As the Word defines it in Hebrews 11:1:
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

According to this scripture, the infamous quote “seeing is believing” is the complete opposite of how we’re called to live. And I found myself needing God to show His part first before I moved. But what kind of growth does that produce in my ability to trust?

As I continued to seek the true root of my lack of trust in specific areas, I realized it had nothing to do with God—and everything to do with things I had been blind to. It required me to confess some hard truths.

I believed that in certain situations, God had left me hanging or didn’t come through the way I thought He would. But for the first time in years, I asked God, “What did I miss?” instead of “Why didn’t You show up?”

Here comes the loud truth: I didn’t inquire of Him. I didn’t ask Him how to steward certain financial provisions. I didn’t truly involve Him. I relied on human wisdom instead of taking time to sit, be patient, and seek His direction for the next step.

This made me think of the battle against the Philistines in 1 Samuel 13. Saul was under pressure. He knew the order in which he was to depend on God and the role Samuel played in his journey as king over Israel. The pressure built:

“The Philistines assembled to fight Israel… When the Israelites saw that their situation was critical and that their army was hard pressed, they hid… Saul remained at Gilgal, and all the troops with him were quaking with fear.”
— 1 Samuel 13:5–7

They were hard-pressed—and for us, this can look like the real pressures of life we face today, especially amid the chaos in the world and an inflated economy.

The next verses reveal where Saul got it wrong, just like many of us do. Saul found himself in an impossible situation—scared and anxious—and instead of waiting on God, he stepped outside of order. He took on a role that wasn’t his. He chose urgency over obedience. A “Hail Mary” over surrender.

And this is the sobering part: you can have the appearance of doing the right thing, but if God did not instruct it, you’ve gone out of bounds.

Later, in 1 Samuel 14, Jonathan, Saul’s son, faces the Philistines too—but his approach is different. It’s the one we should hold onto. He considered the Lord. He sought Him. He was patient enough to wait for God’s instruction and willing to obey whatever response God gave. He didn’t want an opportunistic win—he wanted a God-led victory.

In my honest reflection, I saw just how much I had trusted in my own willpower and understanding. I hadn’t truly given God the space to speak—especially when it required me to wait longer. I had to repent for all of it… including blaming God.

Here’s a hard truth: sometimes we’re so caught up blaming God and guarding our hearts because we feel like He failed us. But it is not in His nature to fail. And if something doesn’t manifest the way He showed you—or according to His promises—we have to humble ourselves and ask Him to reveal where we may have missed the mark. We have to seek His voice and allow Him to uncover anything that hinders His will from being fully realized.

So now that I’ve laid it all out—what’s my encouragement to you?

Be honest with God. Say the quiet part out loud, and let Him speak back. His Word says to trust Him and lean not on your own understanding. Yet so many of us are stuck because we’re not truly surrendered. We’re holding tightly to our need to understand or see the path first, instead of holding onto the One who is sovereign over it all.

So I’ve decided—once and for all—to die to this part of my flesh that I’ve tolerated for too long. It’s time to mature. It’s time to stay in the deep end in every area of my life, trusting that God is guiding the tides.

Colossians 1:17 says — “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.”

This reminds me that God is the glue that holds it all together—my health, my finances, my dreams and aspirations, my child, my marriage, my goals… everything. In Him, it is all held together. And if I truly believe that He has ordained all my days, then I have no choice but to rely on the One who was before all things.

I pray my honesty has helped you reflect on where you need to be honest with God. And I promise—as you trust Him with this process—you’ll realize that letting go is the best thing you could ever do.

Let go. Let God. And watch Him move.

With love,
B